So the Darkness I Became
by maurgasm
Summary: Angst. Maura finds Casey in bed with Jane.


**Rizzoli and Isles one-shot. Angst. That's all you need to know.**

She could feel her heart beating in her chest, but it felt as if it were lodged in her throat; swallowing hard, she couldn't rid the feeling that she was going to be sick. The steady beating filled her ears, muffling the sound of her own sobs. Unsure on how she got home, she flipped on the kitchen lights and looked around disoriented.

Maura sank to the floor, feeling the cold tile against the back of her thighs. She curled her knees to her chest and bit her lip attempting to stifle a scream that ripped from her. "Goddammit, Jane!" Maura pounded her fists into her legs and threw her head back, hitting the door with a resounding thud. Furiously, she wiped at her eyes, but she couldn't stop crying. Doubling over in both physical and emotional pain, the blonde let out a guttural scream.

—-

_Maura unlocked the door with the key Jane had given her back when Hoyt was after her; usually she would knock, but she decided to surprise Jane with Chinese takeout. Maura was surprised to see the lights out other than the hall light that led to the bedroom._

_"Jane?" she called out but was not met with a response. The medical examiner dropped the containers of food and they littered the ground at her feet. Unconsciously, she wrapped her arms around herself and tears threatened to streak down her face._

_"C-casey," she sputtered out immediately turning to go— not wanting to see the presumably unclothed man under the sheets. Before she could make it to the door, Jane came out of the bathroom in an old BPD shirt and shorts._

_Jane muttered some obscenities under her breath and the blonde spun around to face the detective. "Really, Jane?" Before she could get a word in edgewise, Maura continued her tirade. "You really think I wouldn't find out? How long has he been back? Did you tell him about us?" Words were flying out of her mouth before her brain could even process them. Jane stood there opening and closing her mouth like a fish out of water._

_"Maur…"_

_"Don't bother." The blonde slammed the door and began driving on auto pilot. She cursed herself for the tightening in her chest; she gasped for breath, but a sharp pain pierced right through lights from the passing cars were mere blurs through the tears that spilled freely. _

—-

The pain in her chest hadn't subsided but had spread to the base of her skull and radiated through her bones. The door she was leaning against shook as someone on the other side slammed their hands against it.

"Maura, open the door. I know you're there." Jane noticed the kitchen light was on despite the other rooms in the house that were darkened. Maura curled up into herself tighter and bit into her fist to keep from crying out. She tasted blood and she realized she broke the skin. The brunette leaned her head against the door and closed her eyes; she heard muffled sobs from the other side and took a shaky breath, relieved that Maura was still conscious and not lying in the bottom of the bathtub.

Jane's voice faltered as she felt hot tears run down her face. "Maura, please open the door." She scratched at the scars on her palms and she continued to speak. "I— I'm sorry. I should have told you… told him about what happened between us." She stopped for a second hoping the door would open. "He— he came back, Maura. Casey. He's ready to make this work. I love him."

On the other side of the door, Maura had stopped crying but she felt darkness surround her; she kept blinking and breathing attempting to comprehend the words Jane was speaking. When Casey had gone again, she was there. She held Jane when she cried. She took care of Jane when Hoyt was on the loose. She cared for Jane and pretended for the longest time it was merely platonic until her body just couldn't take it. And when the words "I love you" came tumbling out of her lips, the detective said it back. Now here she is professing her love for someone else, like she had never happened. Like they had never happened.

Making her way off the floor on wobbly legs, Maura closed her eyes and flipped the switch allowing the darkness of the room to envelop her, mirroring the darkness that enveloped her heart.


End file.
